Kepler-22b: NASA Discovers Real-Life Melancholia; Not Yet On a Collision Course With Earth

This week, NASA discovered a planet in which they named Kepler-22b. (I hope the residents of Kepler-22b are OK with the fact that the new name of their home world sounds like it can also be used to slow the effects of male pattern baldness.) This planet is interesting! You see, Kepler-22b orbits around its closest star in an area known as the Goldilocks zone. In other words: water doesn’t turn into a gas or a solid, just like Earth. To most of the scientific community, this seems to be very exciting news. To me, it’s ominous. Unreasonable, you say? Hogwash. I know how this story ends. So, yeah, I’m on to you, Kepler-22b. Or should I call you … Melancholia?

In Lars Von Trier’s ‘Melancholia,’ a rogue planet called Melancholia destroys Earth; that’s the image you see here on the left …

.. and, yeah, it looks a lot like this “Kepler-22b” that we’re all supposed to be so excited about.

According to NASA, Kepler-22b is 2.4 times the size of Earth. As you can see, Melancholia is much bigger than Earth, too.

Hey, call me crazy, but I like Earth and I don’t want to see it destroyed. And now that the Keplernians are aware that they’ve been discovered, don’t be surprised any day now to hear about how Kepler-22b has “mysteriously” broken away from its orbit and is headed toward Earth. If you would like to see how our eventual showdown with Kepler-22b ends, watch the clip below. Spoiler alert: We lose. It’s now evident why Von Trier isn’t talking to the press any longer: Would you want to be responsible for causing worldwide panic if you accidentally let it slip that your latest film was not fiction, but a premonition?